I keep coming back to the question; what is keeping me in sydney? Which brings me to the attendant question of; why haven’t I left yet?
I’ve spent the past week feeling really down, which is the longest I’ve been in a down mood for months and months and months. I’ve been wondering when my normal state of cheerfulness is going to come back. Since starting and being on and coming of the ADs my usual turnaround time for getting out of this sort of mood is roughly 24 hours. But this time its really persistant. And everytime I think its going to break and I’ll be happy again, something happens to deflate my general feelings of optimism. And so I wonder, what the hell am I doing in Sydney? Is all the stuff I’ve been doing really just an excuse to put off leaving? Like this law degree I’ve started. Why the fuck did I pick law? I’ve not stopped complaining about it since I started. It’s really really boring. But maybe I’m just thinking that If I’m studying something then at least I’m doing something worthwhile, which is a reason to stay in sydney. But doesn’t that just make it an excuse not to leave?
Honestly, I really like being able to say I’m a law student. It beats "I work at the tax office" any day. And people are really impressed when I say it, even though it was like no effort to get in to. But what the fuck am I doing it for?
Today I got all arty and did some screen printing, which normally would bring with it the satisfaction of having done something creative, but I’m just feeling so totally dissatisfied with everything at the moment.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I’ve got until friday to withdraw. To decide if I want to withdraw. Another withdrawn course to ad to the list. I just can’t decide what the fuck to do, and everytime I think I have decided I get really dissatified with it. Which just makes me think that I want to leave.
And it’s crazy to think all this, cuz things have been going really well, but I can’t shake this mood I’m in, and I’m getting increasingly desparate. I can’t fucking make up my mind about anything.
I’ve been muchly sad this week, in that way that you know there’s nothing particularly wrong at the moment, but you just can’t seem to shake it so you go to wait it out. I put it down to birthday exhaustion. As much as this year the plan for my birthday was more of an absence of plan, I set out to collect birthday wishes from muchly muchly people. This ment, weeks in advance, making sure people were definately going to where they were probably going anyway, so that when the event arrived everyone would be in the same place and I could bask in the communal glow.
And it worked. Last saturday night was a night of happiness such that I’d not seen in quite a while. Birthday wishes were overflowing, and I collected birthday snogs from two lovely people, and one totally random guy.
But I’ve been feeling a bit flat since then. This, of course, is the direct result of lack of sleep, disco lollies, alco-ma-hol, and the relentlessness of work. Of course, no one at work has quite gotten the fact that my weekend was a touch, ahem, big, and so I’ve been suffering through the onslaught of "happy birthday"s and "what are you doing to celebrate?"s for days now. I nod politely and smile and say "Thankyou," and "Nothing much" at the appropriate places, all the while wishing they would go away. Of course, my best friend at work knows all about my weekend, and how I’ve been feeling, and so festooned my desk with balloons and streamers, just to irritate me. grrr.
And so, now, on to 29.
Ms L has tagged me with the 8 random things about me meme. Here goes:
1) I was an avid dungeons and dragons player during my high school days. So much so that not only did I play dungeons and dragons, but also Magic; the gathering, which is a fantasy battle card game, and also Blood bowl, which is a fantasy Girdion game. It was all hella fun too, especially blood bowl, which was the most board game like of the three, and had the advantage of having a beginning and an end to each game. I actually still have the miniatures of my team, which were painted by my best friend in high school, Eric, because I was a terrible painter.
2) I wish I was more arty than I am. I am filled with envy of people who can see pictures in thier heads, and can reproduce them externally, whether by painting or sculture or drawing or whatever.
3) The first award for writing I ever won was for a poem I wrote about a turtle. I was in Year 1 at school, and I still have the certificate, although sadly all copies of the poem have been lost.
4) I never gave back my ex-boyfriend’s plush Dilbert doll when we broke up.
5) At an organic food fair, I gushed like a love-sick teenager when I met Kylie Kwong and asked her to sign my calico bag, even though I’ve never been to her restaurant, or bought any of her cook books, or cooked any of her recipes, and generally haven’t even liked the food she was cooking the few times I’ve seen her on TV.
6) The first CD I ever bought was It’s Alright by East 17. This was when I was 15 years old and several months prior to me owning or having access to a CD player, but I figured at the time CDs were the way of the future and even if I didn’t have a CD player at the time of purchasing my first CD, I eventually would have one.
7) I have had 7 piercings in total, of which I still have three. First was my eyebrow, which grew out after a year. Then I got my eyebrow done again, after which I got my labret piercing. Then the second eyebrow piercing grew out after 2 years, and I went for about 3 years with just the labret. Then I had both nipples done in the same session, right first then left, just before my 27th birthday. The right one lasted about 6 months, and the left one about a year, but I took them both out for the same reason, which was that they kept catching on my shirts, which would prolong the healing process. Then most recently I got a PA in my peep, and an ear cartilage piercing, which are now almost two weeks old. I still have the labret, which is the one I’ve had the longest.
8) At the moment my favourite colour is yellow. Normally it’s blue, or green, or purple or red, but it’s never been yellow before. I’ve bought a bunch of stationary for my new law degree that I’ve started, and it’s all yellow. Go figure.
