I keep coming back to the question; what is keeping me in sydney? Which brings me to the attendant question of; why haven’t I left yet?
I’ve spent the past week feeling really down, which is the longest I’ve been in a down mood for months and months and months. I’ve been wondering when my normal state of cheerfulness is going to come back. Since starting and being on and coming of the ADs my usual turnaround time for getting out of this sort of mood is roughly 24 hours. But this time its really persistant. And everytime I think its going to break and I’ll be happy again, something happens to deflate my general feelings of optimism. And so I wonder, what the hell am I doing in Sydney? Is all the stuff I’ve been doing really just an excuse to put off leaving? Like this law degree I’ve started. Why the fuck did I pick law? I’ve not stopped complaining about it since I started. It’s really really boring. But maybe I’m just thinking that If I’m studying something then at least I’m doing something worthwhile, which is a reason to stay in sydney. But doesn’t that just make it an excuse not to leave?
Honestly, I really like being able to say I’m a law student. It beats "I work at the tax office" any day. And people are really impressed when I say it, even though it was like no effort to get in to. But what the fuck am I doing it for?
Today I got all arty and did some screen printing, which normally would bring with it the satisfaction of having done something creative, but I’m just feeling so totally dissatisfied with everything at the moment.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I’ve got until friday to withdraw. To decide if I want to withdraw. Another withdrawn course to ad to the list. I just can’t decide what the fuck to do, and everytime I think I have decided I get really dissatified with it. Which just makes me think that I want to leave.
And it’s crazy to think all this, cuz things have been going really well, but I can’t shake this mood I’m in, and I’m getting increasingly desparate. I can’t fucking make up my mind about anything.
dude, remember how sary started all those degrees before he worked out what to do? It appears that you’re reaching your limit, which will surely propel you to a decision. Sounds like you need to talk to some people who have done/ or are doing law. Also, a good counsellor wouldn’t go astray.
Hang in there dear, xxoo
Comment by gaylourdes — August 28, 2007 @ 2:37 am